Critical Failure
by RandoMaia
Summary: Surplisingly enough, your average DnD session, at least with my group. This is LOOSLY based on the group that I play with... LOOSLY! Basically, what happens when you get a bunch of nerds sugarhigh off root beer and give them dice and a vinyl map.
1. Character Creation

A/N: I was sadly disappointed by the lack of DnD humor stories… here it is, people!

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Critical Failure

_Character Creation_

"Okay, hand me your characters."

There was a shuffling of papers as all of the people seated around the table fished out a character sheet from various piles of handbooks, SRD printouts, and sheets of copy paper covered with doodles of elves. Or, people with very pointy ears. With this group, it was usually hard to tell.

Zack, the DM, took the proffered papers and read them though. "Whoa… Gendar the Half-Orc only has three hit points."

Mara, sitting across the table, blushed, taking her character sheet back and flipping her pencil around to its well-worn eraser. "Forgot that first level was max HP," she muttered, scribbling on her sheet."

"No problem," said Zack, perusing the other character sheets. "Tordek… isn't that the guy from the PHB?"

"Uh-huh," called Chris from the kitchen. "I couldn't think of any other names."

"Oh wow, Tordek the Dwarven fighter… how original," said Lianne dryly.

"Oh well," said Chris, clearly not caring. "Ellen, where's the root beer?"

"Under the sink. It's not cold, put it in the fridge."

There was a clunk and a muffled curse; it sounded as though Chris had just hit his head on something. He emerged from the kitchen, rubbing his head and grimacing, with a glass of warm root beer and sat down, sipping the soda. "Eew… it's flat…"

"Told ya'." Ellen rolled her eyes.

"Whatever," Chris said, shrugging and taking another sip.

"Well," said Lianne, looking at Chris's character over Zack's shoulder, "Torek's stats suck! My god, you have, what, only two positive bonuses? And that strength score… the last rogue I played was stronger than that!" She looked imploringly at Zack. "Let him reroll, please! We'll die in the first adventure if our fighter sucks this badly!"

"Fine…" The DM pushed four brightly colored d6's at Chris. Shuffling through the papers he held, he looked at the rest of the group's characters. "Okay… Ellen's playing a gnome bard, looks good… Gendar the Half-Orc barbarian looks okay now, except I can't help but wonder how you got a +3 might composite longbow with first level starting gold.

"Oh crap," said Maia, the game's newbie. "You've gotta pay for gear?"

Everyone rolled their eyes. "Just give him a longbow," said Ellen, as Mara took her character sheet back for a second time.

"Sure. Chris, your character is fine now," continued Zack, tugging his mullet. Shane's wizard is good. And…" he looked more closely at the character sheet he was holding, then stared at Lianne. "You named your Halfling rogue Bob?"

"My _female_ Halfling rogue. And she has blue hair! So there."

Zack rolled his eyes. It was going to be a loooooong session.

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A/N: I know it was short as hell, but I'm not feeling inspired later. And I'll get funnier during the game session, I know it will. XDD Review. 


	2. Moo!

A/N:Here it is, the not-so-long-awaited chapter 2! CYBI, I actually made it to chapter 2! -happy dance- Aaaaanyway… here we go, the first gaming session. Enjoy!

**Critical Failure**

_Chapter 2 - Moo!_

DM Zack shuffled his notes and leaned over the still-blank vinyl map in the center of the table. "Your party is in the town of Hemlock. You are sitting in the pub, and you overhear—"

"Hang on," interjected Mara, who was still very much the newbie of the game. We can do anything we want in this game, right?"

"Yeah…" said Chris uncertainly. "You USUALLY do what the DM wants you to, Mara. People who don't have a tendency to get struck by lightening. Multiple times, if they have a lot of hit points."

"I'm glad I don't have a lot of hit points then," Mara replied, as Chris and Lianne looked at each other, mystified. That made absolutely _no_ sense…

Turning her attention back to Zack, Mara asked, "Are there any cows in the village?"

"Uh… sure."

"Okay, I wanna go find some cows! I drag the party off to go to the cows!"

Everyone at the table raised their eyebrows. Zack's dissappeared into his long dark hair. "Suuuuure… you walk for a little while. You find a bunch of cows penned in by a wooden fence—"

"I jump the fence!"

Why am I letting her do this? wondered Zack, as he said, "Jump check. Use the d20," he added as Mara's hand lingered uncertainly over her small pile of dice, lent to her for the session.

Shane reached over and handed her a d20. "This one," he said kindly. "The player's best friend. You use it for almost everything."

"Unless," Ellen commented, "you're like Shane, who rolls initiative with d12s.

"Hey! I only did that once!"

"I remember you doing it for two sessions."

"Well, maybe…" Shane blushed and rubbed his head—he had something resembling a crew cut, which Lianne loved rubbing because "you're so fuzzzzzzzzzy!" I'd been wondering why I was rolling lower than everyone else…

Mara rolled her die, which landed on a 20. "Hey… that's pretty good, right? Now, lets see, what do I add?" she asked distractedly, scanning her character sheet for Gendar's jump modifier.

Zack sighed. "You jump over the fence," he said exasperatedly. "Now, can we play the adventure?"

Ignoring him, Lianne said, "I go through the _gate_. And I ask Gendar what the hell he's doing.

"And I tell—uh… Lianne's character—

"Bob," supplied Lianne helpfully.

"Okay," continued Mara. "I tell Bob that I'm going cowtipping!"

The table burst into laughter. Chris choking on another sip of flat root beer, but no one paid attention to him; he did it all the time. Zack was grinning as he said, "strength check."

Mara was rolling her d20 as Ellen said, in that annoyingly 3rd-person way," Darwick thinks that cowtipping is brutal and barbaric—"

"That's why your barbarian's doing it," Zack pointed out.

"—and will have no part in it. He walks away and turns his back on the stupid Half-Orc."

"Eh, lousy Gnome… who needs him anyway… useless, short…" Mara muttered, looking at her roll and her strength modifier. Uh… I rolled a one… plus my strength modifier, that's a… four?" She looked hopefully up at Zack.

"With a four, you poke the cow. Can we get back to the adventure now?"

"Hey Zack," Chris said, "Isn't that a critical failure?"

"Wow, I almost forgot! Thanks Chris!"

"We haven't even started the adventure and she rolled a critical failure…" said Ellen.

"Crap," agreed Shane. "The rest of this adventure is _not_ gonna be good."

"_Thanks_, Chris," mutter Lianne darkly. "You _never_ remind the DM about a critical failure, moron."

"Heh… oops…" said Chris sheepishly.

Zack looked up from scribbling something in his notes." Okay, change of plans," he informed the group. Everyone gulped. "First of all… can I have some root beer?"

Ellen rolled her eyes, got up, and went into the kitchen resignedly.

"Right," Zack continued. "You poke the cow, but fail to knock it over. The cow moos menacingly, and all the other cows start to moo too." Ellen handed him a glass of root beer, and he took a sip before continuing. "Ugh. Flat."

"I would have given you the stuff that had been in the fridge," Ellen told him, "if you hadn't sic'd these murderous cows on us."

"Just for that, one of the cows kicks the gate open and runs at Darwick. Reflex save.

Sighing, Ellen rolled a die and consulted her character sheet. Uh… a 12?"

"The cow walks on top of you."

"Crap… damn cows…"

"Can I rescue her from the cow?" asked Shane?"

"Strength check to pull her—"

"Him!" shouted Ellen.

"Okay, him—out from under the cow."

Lianne groaned. "Our wizard has to make a strength check. We are _so_ screwed."

Shane picked up his trusty red d20 and rolled it. Adding his strength modifier—not surprisingly for a wizard, zero—he looked at Zack. "10."

"Not gonna do it," said the DM. "And… tell me again why your _fighter_ isn't making the strength check?"

"The fighter doesn't give a crap about the Gnome. And besides, he's trying to choose the best piece of steak in there," said Chris. "Heeeeere, steak-y steak-y steak-y… Does anyone have BBQ sauce in their inventory?"

Mara rolled her eyes at Chris, then looked back at Zack. "Oh, come on!" she said, leaning over to look at Ellen's character sheet. "It's a friggin' Gnome! It weighs 15 pounds!"

"Oh…" Zack laughed. "Midget. Okay, you make the strength check and pull the Gnome-dude up by the scruff of his neck."

"How humiliating!" said Ellen in her 'RPing voice.'

"Ellen, you only take…" Zack rolled some unseen die behind his screen. "five damage."

"_Only_ five damage?" asked Ellen incredulously. Crap, I only have three hit points left! I'm first level!

"I'd forgotten how easy it was to kill first-levelers," mused Zack. "But, back to the psycho cows… they charge at—"

"Point taken," said Mara quickly. "I run through the gate and lock it behind me."

Zack thought for a moment, then smiled widely. Everyone who knew anything about D&D (that is, everyone except Mara) cringed. "The cows start mooing at the sky," he told them, "and a dark storm cloud with black and white spots descends from the sky and starts mooing at you. It is…" he paused for dramatic effect. "The COW GOD!"

"Oh no. Somebody save us," Said Lianne, unenthusiastically.

"Well," Zack went on, glancing at his watch, " he's about to assume a physical form and get revenge on you for attacking his cows, but a wind picks up, and the cloud is blown away, saying something to the effect of 'You haven't seen the last of me! I will make you pay!" in moos.

"Eh?" This was from the entire party, simultaneously. Amazing how D&D players think, isn't it?

"Okay," said Zack, looking at his watch again. "You're safe for now. This session is over because my mom'll be really pissed if I get home late. See you here same time next Tuesday to get your asses whooped by the cow god." And with that, he rolled up his map, grabbed his backpack, and left, leaving the rest of the party gazing dumbfoundedly after him.

"Wow…" said Mara. "Is it like this every session?"

A/N: I know that all of you are going 'wtf?' right now.. as you should be. Anyone who isn't should consult a psychiatrist immediately. XDD Review and tell me how you liked it. Very weird, I know, but that's the way my twisted little mind works:D (Yes, it is the most random thing I could think of, and it's probably never happened in a D&D session… but hey, there's a first time for everything. I'll ask my DM about it next session. Tee hee… Oh, so y'all are aware, I totally forgot to put someone in my group in here… don't worry, she's coming next chapter. Sowwie Meep!


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